Bullies

How do you respond to bullies? What in your life has influenced your reactions? Is it still bullying when adults deliberately set out to make each other feel like crap? Or does it have a new definition? Real life perhaps.

I hate to say this, as I'm a grown woman, but I've been encountering behaviour recently that makes me feel bullied. It is very similar to behaviour I encountered at school; people calling me names, accusing me of things I didn't say or do and apparently deliberately attacking my choices and words. This bullying behaviour even extends to my family. One of these people suggested to my husband that his mother was lazy, which is why he didn't do better at school.

I'm an HSP, Highly Sensitive Person, and all my life I have had difficulty in moderating my response to people like this. I become deeply upset, I lash out. I was regularly accused of being a "drama queen" at school because of this, apparently I was supposed to either ignore the bullies or give as good as I got. But an HSP can't always do this. HSPs feel things more keenly than others and are easily overwhelmed. I become overwhelmed and extremely emotional when people are overtly critical or abusive towards me.

For a while at school I did actually get it under control. I learned how to not storm away from a situation in an effort to protect myself and to sit still and take it for as long as I had to before I was free to walk calmly and quietly to a private place. And then I would release my feelings. I was afraid that if people saw how upset I was that the bullying would be worse.

That period was very black for me. I became very depressed and drifted away from many friends, I found it very difficult to trust people and open up to them for a long time. These days, I don't do much better, my behaviour is more moderate for the most part, but I can and do still react strongly to being cornered and because I couldn't lash out when I was younger I over compensate now!

I'm not hiding behind these events, not at all, I'm using my experiences to illustrate the point that because of my nature, bullying did not do anything positive for me, as others argue it should have done.

Apparently, it should have toughened me up, I should be over it and be capable of dealing with obstructive people now as a grown woman. My point is that actually, being bullied crippled me emotionally and did not prepare me for "real life". I don't have a thicker skin and I don't really feel better equipped to deal with these people as adults.

I am pretty good at standing up for myself now, but not because of bullies, it's because of surrounding myself with people who care about me and who care about the same things that I do. I have drawn strength from other people, just enough to stand on my own on some issues, but not personal attacks against me.

I'm not afraid to state my opinion now, I was quite a doormouse for a few years! Now I'm not afraid to be honest about what music I like, or books I read. I'm not embarrassed by my tastes, I don't care if people judge me for those things as ultimately they are all a matter of personal taste and don't matter that much to me.

I regularly get myself on the radio and in the papers, saying what I think of maternity services and what should be done to improve them. I have been on demonstrations and been openly critical of the government because I believe passionately that we have to speak out about these things if we are to make positive changes. But these things are a step removed from me and I'm not likely to be directly confronted by anyone unprofessional enough to make a mockery of me or my views.

Where I stumble is when, like recently, a few individuals come at me relentlessly with misguided and antagonistic vitriol about me, my parenting choices, my lifestyle choices and my family. But I do want to do better, I want to be able to just walk away from them, ignore them, not get into pointless internet debates with ignorant people. I still have some growing to do!

Grounded In Fantasy

So, this week saw the release of the final part in the Harry Potter film franchise. I went to see the first possible screening, at midnight! It was no disappointment. In fact it was breathtakingly good. But this isn't a review of the film, nor is it a critique of the whole series, I want to talk about the fantasy genre and what it is really all about.

There seems to be a mass misconception among those who have never taken the time to familiarise themselves with the genre, an understandable misconception that fantasy takes readers or viewers away from the real world. I read a comment in relation to Harry Potter recently, stating that the author was too grounded in reality to enjoy fantasy.

I've read a lot of fantasy and my better half has read far more than I have, our bookshelves are a testament to a lifelong love affair with swords and sorcery, wizards and goblins, mystical lands and generational wars.

But what does really good fantasy actually do? No matter where or when it is set, good fantasy makes you think about your own life and our own world.

The magic and mystical beings are handy writing conventions that give the author a sort of mirror in which they reflect back to the reader insights into the human condition.

Take Harry Potter, yes, there are wizards and witches, magic wands, dragons and an evil wizard out to seize power over mere "muggles", causing an epic war among the denizens of the magical world. It is an epic story. Or is it?

The main character is an ordinary boy. He's not an especially gifted wizard. He feels out of his depth a lot of the time, he forms an immediate rivalry with another boy at school, he struggles to turn in his homework on time and from time to time he gets into quite serious trouble. That is why his story has captured the imaginations of so many people, of all ages, because most people can relate to him.

As for the evil enemy and the epic war, I think most free thinking adults can see the allegory in that basic storyline; the power-hungry who abuse their position and oppress people. It has happened throughout the world in various guises and I dare say it will continue to do so for a long time to come.

As it happens, Voldemort and Harry are intimately linked because of events in their shared history, so Harry fears that he could turn out to be just like his evil enemy. So into the mixing pot of real life reflections is the concept of duality and inner demons, of a person having to overcome their fears, conquer their demons and allow their positive traits to triumph. Most of us do this in our lives, most of us try to better ourselves and doubt ourselves along the way, most of us have things about ourselves that we fear or dislike, we can try to acknowledge our faults and strive to overcome them, or otherwise accept them as a part of ourselves.

All of the issues underneath the fantasy setting are true to life and they are the elements that the story is really about. The existence of magic is just the dressing, just the tool with which to tell a very personal and real world story.

This is far from unique to Harry Potter, as I said at the beginning, all good fantasy does this. That's not to say that there isn't an awful lot of very bad fantasy out there though! And it's true of horror and science fiction too.

Take the Southern Vampire Mysteries series (True Blood), on the surface it's about Vampires and shape shifters, but really it's about relationships and about owning oneself and all ones talents and flaws.

Babylon 5 is a great example of sci-fi that is really all about the people. Yes there are aliens and advanced technology, but it's about what people do when faced with a difficult decision, it's about the way society bends to whoever is in power and what happens to the people who see through the propaganda to what is really happening.

The series, A Song of Ice and Fire, by George RR Martin, recently televised in the series Game of Thrones, spans a huge fantasy world with different cultures and an epic power struggle between families. It's a political drama, essentially, and its characters are the heart and soul of the story.

The plethora of teen supernatural romance series out there explore coming of age, learning to be independent and making ones own decisions in life and let's not forget, the intoxication of first love.

Fantasy doesn't get more gritty and relate-able.

Placing a real world condition or dilemma in a fantasy setting allows authors to explore the issues with more vigour and honesty than placing it in the real world often does. It can free authors from fear of offending sensitive groups and it can allow them access to groups of people who wouldn't otherwise ponder the issues consciously.

Fantasy definitely has its place and while it isn't going to appeal to everyone, I do think people shouldn't knock it until they've tried it.

Bright Blessings Connie Holmes

My great aunt passed away this evening. She was 96 and had been living in a care home for just over a year. She had no children of her own and was a very close member of my family.

She was the eldest of 7 siblings and outlived them all. She lost three sisters within a short period and from there it was a pretty rapid decline in her health. Until very recently she was still very sharp and witty, and despite declining physically for several years she still got out and about lots. It has really only been a matter of weeks that she became so old and fragile and only days of being bed-ridden before passing away in bed this evening. She had a chest infection that brought dementia with it, from which she never fully recovered, but until just a few weeks ago she was mentally capable, although for a year or so conversations did tend to go around in circles about every 5 minutes :)

She doted on Jack and I remember when I was little she would always press a pound coin into my hand when we left her company, you remember those things when you're a child!

She was popular and an active member of the community in the village in which she grew up, even long after she moved into town. She had so many stories about her family and her knowledge about the village and its people will be missed greatly.

She will be missed.

Rest in peace Connie xxx

Music I Want My Child To Listen To - Political Passions

Not so much a specific band for me this week, but a concept that transcends genres. Inspired by the political mood of the nation this week I'd like to instil a passion for politics in my children and music has been such a powerful tool in communicating political messages throughout the decades. From the Sex Pistols to Chumbawumba to Ani DiFranco to Faithless, many bands and artists have woven political statements into their music and some have even inspired entire generations to action.

I'd like my son to appreciate the concept of political music, even if he can't relate to the themes, messages or genres that have influenced me. I'd like him to give them a chance though, maybe feel some sense of continuity with the passions of days gone by, though I desperately hope there won't be repeats of the riots of the 1970s and 80s, or of the global political events of the last 10 years, but I dare say the raw essence of the issues will repeat themselves: People against the actions of the state.

I don't know what the political mood will be like in 10 to 15 years time, when my son is discovering his own generation's music for the first time. I do know that there will still be musicians writing about it though and I promise not to condescend my son's choices with statements that begin "In my day..." Maybe he will be able to show me something new that we can share.

I tried to think of something more current as an example for this, but drew a blank. I kept coming back to Self Evident by Ani DiFranco, a song about 9/11 and its aftermath. It's a song that still deeply moves me and this issue is undoubtedly the single most important one of my generation, the political actions that led to those terrorist attacks and the ramifications of them still echo across the globe today and will for years to come. So I leave you with a fan-vid set to Ani's beautiful and powerful poetry.

Add your own blog for this meme this week to the Linky here: Alexander Residence

Give Me A Cure For Political Apathy

I don't normally listen to radio phone ins. They drive me bonkers. For some reason, the members of the public that the shows producers pick to speak on air are almost universally ignorant peasants. Often the supposedly "expert" guests are no better. However, on Friday, my husband and I were on a long car journey and were listening to BBC Radio 5 Live in the run up to Nick Clegg's speech on the Alternative Vote (AV) referendum. It was the usual rubbish, exactly what you would expect from a political phone in. People speaking who had no idea what they were talking about, a hill-billy type who was calling for a general election every 12 months in order to shake things up; someone who only wants to vote UKIP and doesn't want to pansy about with numbers on the ballot paper and so on.

But one woman really got my goat. She was given the opportunity to speak in favour of AV, she sounded really positive, if a little naive and said it was about time there was an opportunity for change and she wants to be able to put a tick on her ballot paper instead of a cross (AV doesn't work like that, there are no ticks or crosses required, just numbers). But generally she was upbeat and inoffensive. Then she was asked about political apathy and why people today often don't exercise their right to vote (around 40% of people don't vote in general elections in this country, turnout for local and European elections is even worse). Here she lost me. She said that she didn't vote, that all politicians are the same and that no amount of reform would change that. Sigh.

I really cannot stand political apathy in and of itself, but what I really dislike is the hypocrisy of political apathy coupled with complaint. I don't approve of compulsory voting. I think people have as much right to abstain as to cast a vote and that in some cases abstaining in itself makes a point. It is this very fact that has brought us to the point of even having a referendum on reform, the people who have been not voting in droves have been listened to by the Liberal Democrats and other political reformists and they want to find a way to engage those people with the political process again.

BUT, if you don't vote, then in my opinion you do relinquish your right to bitch to yourself, your friends, the internet etc about the decisions that politicians make. If you haven't voted and have no intention of ever voting or campaigning in any way for changes that you believe would be better for our country, then you have absolutely no right to whinge about the decisions that get made. You have chosen not to exercise your right to vote, you have chosen to disengage from the political process so when politics has a negative impact on your life, be it because of cuts to benefits or a rise in taxes, or cuts to the NHS that mean your local doctor's surgery can no longer run a drop in surgery, or school class sizes soaring to 35, whatever it is, shut up. Or get off your backside and do something about it.

Contrary to popular opinion, not all politicians are carbon copies of one another. Local MPs and councillors are often very approachable and engaged with their constituents. There are service user forums and committees to join, petitions to sign, letters to MPs to write stating what you do and do not approve of. The government IS accountable to the people and it DOES listen, sometimes it takes a lot of voices shouting in unison and the big things are very difficult to change, but you do have a voice and if you choose not to use it then follow your own precedent, and keep quiet if you don't like what comes of it.

Music I Want My Child To Listen To

So, I just encountered this meme for the first time and thought "Hell yeah! I wanna join in!" Music is where my heart has always been. I guess it's taken a bit of a backseat for a couple of years but I regret that and I'm hoping this will give me the incentive to get back into music. Recently I've been listening to some old favourites while I write, partly to help inspire my writing but also taking a trip down memory lane, following the recent photo storm among my old school friends on Facebook.

But I can't really start there, I have to go further back. Where did my love of music really take root? Easy, in the folk festivals my parents took me to as a small child. Most of the time spent at these folk festivals I was off playing with other kids, exploring and occasionally curled up asleep on, or sometimes even under a chair, while my parents watched the bands and artists perform. However, distraction and sleep both became impossible whenever Spirit of the West came on stage.

I remember the way the tiny platforms that formed a stage at some venues would shake under the thump of the bass drum and the weight of the lead singer jumping around. The whole floor would erupt with energy and enthusiasm, with otherwise stationery crowds leaping from their seats to dance to this high-energy band. Once, I even got sung to directly, having requested my favourite song (what band can't resist a cute 6 year old girl with pigtails who loves their music?!)

Spirit of the West are a Canadian folk band, who still occasionally do the rounds of folk festivals in North America. Their album Save This House still warrants the odd airing in my house now, twenty-odd years after it's release and the last time I saw them live.

Home For A Rest is one of my all time favourite songs, though obviously I didn't understand it as a child! Amid the frantic flute play, chaotic chords and lyrics about being drunk for a month there is an understated poetry, especially in the line "The spirits we drank are now ghosts in the room".

Here's a clip so you too can savour these Canadian delights. Enjoy.

Induced and left alone to birth in a toilet? True.

This rather alarming news story came to my attention today.

http://www.nottinghamwired.co.uk/news.php/124340-Kings-Mill-hospital-ignored-toilet-birth-mothers-calls

A couple in Nottinghamshire have reported that their daughter was born unattended in a hospital bathroom in November and that staff ignored when they pulled the emergency cord for urgent assistance. Apparently the midwives assumed the labouring woman wanted a cup of tea.

Let's skip right over the part where the midwives are implying that a labouring woman should be ignored when in need of refreshments, and move right on the the extremely distressing part of this story: that an emergency call from a woman undergoing induction was ignored.

Any call for immediate assistance for a woman in labour should be responded to, by somebody, anybody. Regardless of how frequently women in that birthing suite pull the wrong cord or hit the wrong button when all they need is a drink. The staff cannot assume that it is a benign matter, not for any labouring woman. But induction is risky. It is a risky procedure whenever and wherever it is done, in some cases the risks are lower than the risks of staying pregnant, but there are still risks. Ignoring an emergency call for a woman undergoing induction is, quite simply, negligence.

This isn't the first time I have encountered women who say that they were ignored during induction, that their requests for pain relief were ignored or that they were told they weren't yet in labour without even being examined. I even heard of one woman once who hadn't even been moved from the ward to a birthing suite and delivered on the ward floor on her own in front of half a dozen other women. Disgraceful.

This recent case is a little scant on details. We know that the midwives assumed that the labouring woman only wanted a cup of tea, so deemed it unnecessary to attend to that need. I might have a little more sympathy for the midwives if it transpired that they were very short staffed and no one could be spared for non-urgent care (forgetting again that it is clearly wrong to just assume that the emergency cord has been pulled for non-urgent reasons). But only a little sympathy can be garnered from such an excuse. If the ward was so short staffed, why induce? Why willingly fill up the ward when there aren't enough midwives? When birth can be scheduled (Ha!), why do so in full knowledge that there are not enough midwives available to attend to every woman both in spontaneous labour and booked for induction?

Perhaps this woman's induction really couldn't wait a day or two. Perhaps she had a true emergency reason for needing to get the baby earth-side. And here we are back at the point that she was ignored in an emergency situation.

There is no winning scenario for the staff on duty at this hospital that day. Either there was someone available to answer the emergency call but it went ignored anyway, or the ward was too busy and so the inductions should have been postponed where possible, or finally, the induction was for genuine medical reasons and therefore the woman was in need of close attention.

The couple have received the standard NHS response to complaints: "We are sorry you feel this way." It isn't a true apology. They are not taking responsibility for their mistake. They are not genuinely sorry for the deep trauma they have caused. They are not attempting to put anything right or change their services for the benefit of those who come after this couple.

It's not good enough. It's never good enough.

Part of the reluctance to take responsibility is fear of litigation, the same fear that causes hospitals to line up increasing numbers of women for unnecessary inductions. As nonsensical as that sounds, it's true. Hospital administrators want to try and control birth, because if they control things and things go wrong they can claim that they did everything possible to prevent it. In doing this they don't stop to ask if they cause more harm than good.

Birth cannot be controlled or scheduled. Sometimes things go wrong, yes, but in a culture of true woman-centred care, where the woman knows and trusts her midwife and where medical intervention is reserved for hose who truly need it ,I somehow think that the growing litigation culture wouldn't be a significant factor because even on the rare occasions that the outcome is negative, the people involved will know and trust their care providers. I'm sure that the reason people lash out and try to sue the NHS now is because they are upset with the level of care shown, they want someone to take responsibility and apologise properly. I know that's true of me and many of the women I have met who have grievances against hospitals for their maternity care. A genuine apology would settle many a dispute before it even reaches the point of hiring lawyers.

A lesson many hospitals would do well to learn.