Lactivism

I was recently having a conversation with a friend about breastfeeding and how to be a champion without alienating people by making them feel bad for their choices. It's a fine line. As a lactivist I want to tell people about the risks of formula feeding and I want to provide support for women who want to breastfeed, but I know that I have at times caused offence when discussing this topic.

I think that some women may be quite defensive about their decision to formula feed, despite vocalising their pride at this choice perhaps a part of them doesn't feel good about it and so they feel the need to justify it and defend it when they feel their choice is being criticised.

There are things I would like to say on the subject but don't feel that I can for fear of being judged to be judgemental - haha.

I am trying to change my approach into a positive one. There are people you will never reach, so it is best not to come at lactivism from that perspective, rather to simply be approachable to those seeking information and support. So I am undertaking leadership training with La Leche League so that I can be a peer supporter. I'm also going to plug other Lactivists blogs, websites and online stores ;)

First on the list is Lactivist itself. The website is a fantastic hub of information and support, not to mention their fantastic breastfeeding t-shirts! They are currently running a competition to win £40 of Butterfly Babies vouchers. See here for more.

A New Kind of Government

I'm not a natural optimist. I have to work quite hard to be one, but I believe that it is worth it and that it is a healthier attitude than pessimism. This week we have welcomed a new kind of government into power, a Conservative/Liberal Democrat coalition. As soon as the election results were looking like a hung parliament was going to be the outcome, this is precisely the solution I thought would come about. From some time over the weekend, when informal talks were happening and seemed to be going well, I had a good feeling about it. Lib Dems in Government.... how can that be a bad thing? Speaking as a Lib Dem party member and volunteer campaigner I saw this as a wonderful opportunity to do something different. The old system wasn't working, as a nation we were swinging between Labour and Tory and neither party were getting it right.

The election results showed that the nation was split. No party had an overall majority and so it became necessary for two or more parties to cooperate. This is precisely the kind of democracy that I have long wished to see in action. Why must we have an adversarial system? Why can't the politicians from different parties and different backgrounds at least try to work together? It works in other countries, it works in the European Parliament. Why shouldn't it work here?

The Tories and Lib Dems demonstrated in their talks that they were able to sit down and compromise, that they were able to put the interests of the nation above the interests of their parties. The leaders passionately want this to work and even though they will undoubtedly face some opposition from within their own parties, I believe that they can set the example and make it work.

I have encountered a lot of negativity towards this coalition already. I believe this comes down to two fundamental causes: Firstly that this is a new way of running the country and people are wary of change. This way of working has not been proven to work in Britain before. Secondly, bigotry. I'm sorry to say this, especially of friends, but so many people have blinkered views of politicians, or of one party in particular. I've heard people saying "Look what happened last time the Tories were in power!" But I say to them - that was a long time ago. Thatcher came to power over 30 years ago. The political landscape has changed since then, the population has changed since then and the politicians have changed since then! I have found myself reminding people that this Tory party is NOT the same as the one under Thatcher. It is not the same as the one under Major. This is Cameron's Conservative party.

We all saw what happened to Labour under the "New" banner of Tony Blair, the party did change. No longer is Labour the left wing, unionist party of old. For a long time now the Liberal Democrats have represented the most left wing of the three main parties and under Cameron we can already see the Conservatives edging towards the middle from their old position on the right.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not jumping for joy at a predominantly Conservative government and I do have an edge of scepticism to my view. We have a proven Eurosceptic in the Foreign Office and an early pledge to hack public spending. But what I am saying is let's not judge this coalition before it has even got going. They have settled upon a 5 year fixed term parliament. Let's at least give them that long to show us what they can do, how well they can work together.

If it doesn't work, if the economy doesn't recover as well as the experts suggest it should be able to in that time, if Lib Dem policies are continually blocked then fine, vote differently in 2015. We can always go back to the old system (but I doubt that will happen if we get the reform we want!) but don't condemn this one just because it is different or not what was hoped for.

Catching Up

OK, so here is the first instalment of the catch up that I talked about. These posts are from when Jack was 3 months old.

June 26^th 2009

So anyway... Jack's bedtime routine seemed to have gone back to normal last night, but about 20 minutes after putting him in his crib asleep he woke up crying. I tried to soothe him and he was fine the moment I lifted him out. Then cried as soon as put back in. I thought he might be hot so put him on the bed to take his sleepsuit off and he went straight to sleep right there!! So I think that makes it official.... he has outgrown his crib and feels constrained in it.

Time to get his cot! We put it off as non-essential but can't delay any longer. Fitting it in our room requires a little rearrangement of furniture, but we want him rooming in until he's six months so we will work it out.

I'm trying to encourage Jack to think about rolling over, he's shown no inclination so far and went through a long phase of hating tummy time. I tried him on his tummy for the first time in a few weeks the other day and he was fine with it, so now I'm trying him on his front every day. He shuffles about loads on his mat, which is very smooth. He wouldn't get anywhere on the carpet lol!

June 28^th

He's three months old today. I suppose I should log what he can do:

grab and hold objects placed in front of him
draw things into his mouth
swap things from one hand to the other
shuffle about on his back
just starting to show an interest in crawling but lacks the strength!
"talk" - he can take his turn in conversation and makes some wonderful noises
smile
giggle
follow an object or person around the room with his eyes
watch the cricket and tennis lol!!
refuse to smile for the camera

He's still exclusively BF

A few other thoughts for today... expressing. I've so far not been able to get into a good routine. Mornings are typically best for me and there was a period when I was waking up quite engorged and getting a good 4oz in one go. But then my supply adjusted to just let down on demand, rather than fill and empty and it got loads harder to express, I went back to only getting about 1oz but I had a good week of pumping every day and it went up to about what I was getting before. But it's now been a good couple of weeks since I expressed.

I want to get back into it. I've got about 20oz frozen but I'd like to increase that as I'm going to see Leonard Cohen in a few weeks so Andy will probably get through all the frozen supply while looking after Jack. Can't imagine what my boobs might feel like by the time I get home that night as the gig is in Birmingham, so I won't be feeding Jack for about 6-7 hours including travel time. Maybe I should take the pump and express both on the way there and back?

Something to add to the things Jack can do at the three month mark.... deliberately take mummy's glasses off her face.

I was leaning over him, letting him explore my face with his hand and he started to reach for my glasses. He pulled them down my nose and grabbed at the lenses. It was very deliberate, like he was working out why there was a part of mummy's face that came away!

It's a big day today, not only is Jack three months old but we are going up to the local snooker club this afternoon to present a prize. My grandad, who Jack is named after, played there for thirty years, right up until he became house bound at 98 years old. He passed away at 99 in February 2008 and we now live in his old house. After he passed away my mum donated a trophy in his name to the club and the tournament was last weekend, the prize presentation today. I'm looking forward to introducing little Jack to some of the people who knew his great grandad.

June 29^th

Jack had his meningitis c vaccination this morning. Andy went into work late to come with us. Last time we saw the nurse was when we went in to an appointment that had been automatically booked for Jack's first round of jabs and we had to argue with her about what we do and do not consent to and she seemed most put out that we didn't let her stick him with anything on that occasion!

It was a different nurse today. At first she was sure that it must be a mistake that it said men c only in the notes but we explained what we wanted and she was fine about it! She put it all in his notes so if it's a different nurse next time we don't have to go through it all again.

Jack cried for a few minutes, but Andy walked him around the nurse's office while she filled out the paperwork and updated his file on the computer. He was a bit grumpy afterwards but not too bad. I put his continued grumpiness today down to the heat. Though he has been very clammy so I keep checking his temperature for signs of a fever from the jab.

That was the one thing I was a bit unhappy about with the nurse... she didn't mention any side effects of the jab. Now, I know what to watch for anyway as I have researched the subject so thoroughly, but if she never tells parents what to look for I worry about that for other parents who don't realise how potentially dangerous these vaccinations can be. It may be that she didn't say anything to us because it was obvious to her that we are well informed, having chosen not to follow the NHS schedule, and that normally she does give parents all the information. But I doubt that's the case. The NHS seems woefully unwilling to say anything negative about immunisations.

You'd like to think that if vaccines weren't dangerous they wouldn't be offered. But the truth is that the men c vaccine was rushed to the market without undergoing one single safety test. The government vaccinated 11 million children in one year as a grand "catch up scheme" without waiting for the pharmaceutical companies to do their tests but in the 10 years since its introduction there have thankfully, been very few negative outcomes [30 deaths as of 2007]. But its effectiveness has been shown to be about 60% [83% for the first year then falling off], which is not considered high enough by normal vaccine standards. If it was shown to be dangerous you would hope the government would withdraw it, but they waited 5 years to comply after an international review dictated that all mercury-containing vaccines should be withdrawn! So not a good track record.

Reclaiming Birth

Sunday 7th March 2010 - Reclaiming Birth

What a day! Jack and I somehow managed to get up and ready in time to leave after a truly appalling nights "sleep". Andy drove us to the station while I continued to umm and ahh about whether to take a borrowed buggy or keep Jack in the mei tai. When Ruth and her mum arrived with no push chair for Eva my mind was made up, so when we kissed Andy goodbye he took the buggy away with him!

We boarded the train and had a pretty good journey to London. Both babies were very good. As we arrived a couple of hours before the march was due to start we decided to swing past Hamley's toy store for gifts for our little ones. Unfortunately they were having a big birthday celebration and only allowing people in who had baked a cake!! So we stood outside with others who were queueing for admittance for a few minutes before deciding to make a move.

We got to the park and took a quick trip into the Imperial War Museum to use the facilities and then sat out and had some lunch. We met up with Family Parkin, Jo and Oliver, and Debs and Hannah from Airedale Mums. We got ourselves organised, bought t-shirts and got ready to march.

The crowd steadily grew, bright pink balloons bobbed overhead and signs and banners were being hoisted all over the park. The word went out for us to move to the road behind the big Reclaiming Birth bus so myself and the other Airedale Mums took to the street with our pink t-shirts and signs.

The procession moved slowly through the streets, escorted by marshals and the police, though their presence was hardly felt (unlike at my previous demos!) we chanted and sang and answered questions from journalists moving through the crowd. One child started up the chant "Keep birth normal!" which rang out for quite a long stretch of the march. To hear a young girl shouting this phrase with so much verve really moved me. The next generation need to feel as passionately about this as we do if things are going to change for the better long term.

It was a glorious day with clear skies and plenty of tourists eagerly snapping pictures of us. We arrived at Whitehall and came to a halt, speeches were made from the top of the bus, guests included Beverley Beech from AIMS and one of the Albany midwives.

It was at this point that a couple of the babies in our party started to struggle, there was a lot of noise and no movement to keep them content in their slings and we were stood in the shade where it was remarkably cold. We moved over to the Department of Health building and sat down in the sunshine, most of us took the opportunity to breastfeed out little ones and were joined by a couple of Albany Mums! I thought it a very fitting scene! (Keep breastfeeding normal too!)

The speeches ended and the crowd began to disperse. We made our way back to Kings Cross for the return journey, tired but exhilarated from our exertions.

Next time...

I have been feeling very down recently. For months now Jack's sleep has been terrible. We have had better periods but they never last long. He is tired and grumpy in the day, sometimes only satisfied when he is breast feeding and I am perpetually exhausted too. He fights sleep most nights and for most naps. I feel like I spend over half my life trying to get him to go to sleep. I am miserable and not really enjoying being a parent at all. Neither of us have the energy to play or go out or do anything much during the day and I spend the time I'm not dealing with him counting down the hours until Andy comes home from work and I can get a little help.

For a while I have been telling myself that things will be different next time. Next time I won't get into the habit of breastfeeding the baby to sleep, which would hopefully prevent any of these sleep issues from taking root in the first place. But today I have been contemplating the whole Attachment Parenting issue and whether it has really worked for us as a family or not and I have to conclude not. I have the utmost respect for the people for whom it works and who are satisfied as parents by using these methods and in theory it sounds like a wonderful way to parent. But I just don't feel like it has been right for me personally. I look at the other children that I know and the mums I know online and find myself constantly envious of the way their children sleep, the activities they do together and so on.

I found myself thinking "Next time I don't think we'll follow this path again. I want to enjoy being a parent and I can't do that while this tired." Which led me to the next obvious thought... how can I even contemplate "next time" right now? I am way too busy with Jack to have a newborn to worry about, never mind the stresses on the body of being pregnant. I really have to be practical about this. There is no way I can go through pregnancy and have a new baby while Jack is this demanding. No way.

And from there to... if I hate being a parent so much, am I sure I even want another one? Ever?

Much as I want to go through pregnancy again, desperate as I am to give birth, I have to admit that I actually don't want another child.

I can't have a baby just for the birth. It has to be because Andy and I both want another child and right now I really, really don't. I don't want to go through any of this again and it is by no means guaranteed that different parenting methods would prevent these issues.

Don't get me wrong, I love Jack. I love him so much it actually aches! I love watching him grow and learn and I love the way he looks at me and I love that he needs me so much. But I do not love the way I feel the rest of the time. I do not even remotely like not having the energy to even play with him for five minutes. I just can't see myself being able to cope with two children when I am not coping with just one. I have been having a little cry at the thought that if this feeling persists then I may never, ever give birth. But I feel like I might be ready to let go of that dream because giving birth is not the only thing that matters in life and if I grow old and grey never having done it I will not be less of a woman.

Clever boy!

Jack now knows how to turn the xbox on via the Guitar Hero guitar. He takes great delight in pulling the guitar out from under the TV cabinet and going straight for the on button, once it lights up he will then be entertained by flicking the toggle to navigate around the menu on the TV screen. He can definitely tell that what he does on the controller has an effect on the TV as he looks up to see what his actions have done!

In other (but related?) news I have recently joined my local home education yahoo group and am very excited to see that it is fairly active. There are language classes, a climbing group, story circle, trips to Doncaster Dome and I expect many more activities I have not yet seen advertised. I just hope it stays as active over the next few years until Jack is old enough to join some of the groups! But for now it looks promising and is giving me ideas about how I can direct his early years learning.

I'm going to be putting together a development review of his first ten months over the next few days, following a dispute on the parenting forum where I have been keeping a journal. I will try not to bombard this blog with too much at once and keep my backlog to the point lol!

Maternity Matters

I've been involved in the NCT 'Location, Location, Location' campaign to hold NHS Trusts accountable for meeting the deadlines for birth choice in the government Maternity Matters document. My MP has actually been very helpful and I have had replies from the Undersecretary for the Department of Health as well as the Chief Executive of my local Trust. The former was not very promising, she basically fobbed me off saying that they had recruited more staff and therefore met the deadline (end of 2009), despite the fact that only 4% of women actually have a free choice of where to give birth - the target was 100%. My local CE however, was very positive, there are two new midwife-led units in development in the area and the Maternity Services Liaison Committee has been relaunched. I promptly replied saying I would like to join the MSLC! I am very driven to see changes in the maternity services offered and this is a great way for me to help do that.

All of this has fuelled my desire to help inform and empower women. Unfortunately, I am always finding people who do not welcome information. They would rather be afraid, surrender to the doctors in white coats because I suppose that is easier than finding strength from within.

I recently had a conflict with someone on an internet forum who said that she was "not allowed" to go past her estimated due date due to history of placental abruption. She lost her baby at 20 weeks because of this, so I understand why she is afraid. However, when I pointed out that no doctor can "allow" or "disallow" anything she became very upset and hostile towards me. She turned her story around, saying that she had asked for intervention if she did not go into spontaneous labour before 40 weeks as she felt that the stress and worry of another problem would cause her to have a traumatic birth. I tired to point out that there is nothing magical about her estimated due date and that her using the word "overdue" to any day beyond that is factually inaccurate and not helpful to her own state of mind. She really didn't like that!

I have been stewing over this for a few days and need to get this off my chest. Whenever women talk about doctors "not allowing" them to do something they are perpetuating the myth that doctors have power over our bodies during labour. It is this myth that keeps victims of birth trauma from realising that something wrong was done to them. Birth trauma is physical or psychological abuse, it includes intimidation ("Your baby will die if you don't let us do this") and sometimes even rape (vaginal examinations without consent). So when I encounter someone who is saying that she is "not allowed" to go past her EDD and that this isn't even the truth as she perceives it it actually makes me quite angry.